When you cling, life is destroyed; when you hold on to anything, you cease to live. ~ Anthony De Mello.
In the spiritual life, the opposite of clinging is detachment. This word is often interpreted to mean emotional indifference or aloofness. We may experience this kind of detachment when trying to cope with negative emotions. However this is not the kind of detachment I am referring to. There is another kind of detachment I have noticed, especially in the lives of the mystics. Rather than shunning emotions, they simply refuse to cling to them.
Let me attempt to define this second kind of detachment:
Detachment is the ability of a person to observe, without judgement, their life circumstances, thoughts, relationships, and emotions.
Admittedly this seems to be describing some strange out-of-body experience. Actually it is! But the act of observing ourselves causes us to realize this:
We are not our emotions.
This means that, for the everyday ups and downs we experience, we can choose not to identify with them. This is the difference between saying “I am a failure” and “I have failed.” Even if the former statement dominate my thoughts, I do not have to believe it or cling to it. I can let it go. To paraphrase late Jesuit priest and writer Anthony De Mello, this is how we can experience the paradox of being anxious but not troubled.
We tend to focus on detaching ourselves from negative emotions but it is equally important to detach from the positive ones. Many of our painful experiences come from the false expectation that we can cling to the good times. We focus so much on trying to make them last that we forget to enjoy life and live in the moment when things are going our way.
When we understand that the good times come and go just as the bad ones do, then, as De Mello writes, “you are perfectly willing to go on with your life as it passes through you and disappears.” This is the source of deep and lasting joy.
So, rejoice because:
You are not your successes.
You are not your failures.
You are not your anxiety.
You are not your depression.
You are not your grades.
You are not your job description.
You are not the size of your paycheck.
You are not your car.
You are not your house.
You are not your…….you get the picture.
In closing, here are a few important things to remember:
- While this practice can greatly assist and empower people dealing with mental illness or severe emotional difficulties, it is important to know that this is no substitute for professional mental health services.
- It is one thing to understand something intellectually and quite another to truly understand it in the heart. I once heard it said that the longest distance is from the head to the heart. I believe the road to get there is intentional repetition. Start observing yourself today. Practice everyday. Do it when you don’t feel like it. Do it when you think it stupid or a waste of time. Don’t beat yourself up when you forget. Do it when you remember.
Simply observe. This is the secret to living a detached life.